I saw Cameron Winter yesterday accidentally and also met some people, I'll write about it tomorrow though because today I was basically white-knuckling life overwhelmed by the fear, these days I am at my absolute worst. I want to be able to cry so bad but I can't do it, I haven't been able to cry at all lately and it's the worst feeling in the world, it's like there's this big jet of fire blasting behind my eyes and I'm holding it back involuntarily. I hate my body I hate my brain I hate how much everything means to me these days. I can't bare to let go of any single object, every video I shoot and project I start feels like it will be my last and will ruin me. I worry I'm forming unhealthy parasocial relationships with musicians and their songs. I have very few friends in this life and I know very few people in the world. This is a temporary condition that I am fighting to change but it hurts so bad being in it and my brain is constantly telling me to give up. I won't, I can't, because this pain will probably make whatever is on the other side of it that much more worth getting to, but god am I sorta in an emotional agony of my own making right now. It just feels so over. I'll try to stop these types of entries because they are unproductive but today was a bad day. Everyone sees I am doing poorly and nobody comes to my aid, not my parents, not my friends, not my siblings. I feel alone in the world in a major way, everything feels distant and cold and without texture. The things I used to love don't appeal to me anymore, my head hurts, my body aches, and a million other complaints. Nothing that anyone else hasn't experienced before but I just feel so pooly adapted these days. I will get through this, but again, it burns and stings and aches and hates in the moment. I need serendipity a miracle a complete changover. Today I decided to sell my rare books and other posessions, anything I can bare to part with, and try to flee my home. If I can raise just 3-5,000 dollars in the next few weeks I can get out of here. I can get out of here. Holding strong and fighting fighting I feel worthless a lot but sometimes I feel good too. I'm all over the place. I will get through this. It is a temporary condition.

Today I felt completely at odds with the world, and my feature looked very bleak. I am very very exhausted and I have only myself to blame. Yesterday I woke up at 2 AM having gotten only gotten to sleep 10PM of the previous day. I drove into the city to work at the station, I arrived late, at 4:30, and began the shift exhausted and cold. I worked there all morning, nothing happened, we got a call from a crazy and I spoke to the Red Cross about a fire. The shift ended with the coworker who I like, we talked about the bar Cassette and Trans-Pecos. There's an excess of Ridgewood fire benefit shows, everything is burning down. I think every time a building burns down people should put on a concert no matter what, it could be a meatpacking plant or a laundromat, I want a concert. After work I found I had a 95 dollar on my windshield, I'd parked in a truck loading zone apparently, despite a lack of clear signage. It was snowing in Greenwich Village when I got out of work at noon so I walked around for a while. I took the 1 up to the NYU area and wandered around and pretended I was in a movie. I was listening to The Tony Bennett Bill Evans album which always makes me feel like I'm in a melodrama or maybe New York, New York, or Crossing Delancey or something. I got bagels from that chain I like near Washington Square then went to the coffee shop I like also near the square. There was a very interesting mix of people there, an oddly serious girl in the corner who kept staring at me while she worked on a laptop, a girl next to her was knitting something pink and white, what seemed like a photographer's club of three women who were planning to go to Flushing and wear neon green beanies while they photographed something on little point and shoots, and a little after I sat down a very loud irish guy came in talking to the baristas about spending the previous night out drinking. He said he meant to end his night at 10PM but people kept dragging him from bar to bar and he kept meeting people and they kept asking him to drink with them and he didn't want to say no, so he stayed out to 2AM. I wish I knew that many people. Or I guess I do but none of them like to go out. Or the ones who do don't live close enough to me to go out that much. I don't know, I felt myself getting a bit jealous of him, I want a network of people to fuck around with, I had that in college, but it's been six months since I graduated. Almost exactly 6 month. Anyways. In kind of a comical charlie chaplin-esque occurance a girl spilled her latte all over me, she put a lid on it, tripped, stumbled, and the lid- poorly secured I think- flew off and the coffee did a little arc onto my jacket. It was such a total soak in coffee it took me a second to notice I was even wet, covered in coffee was momentarily my new normal. But beyond that nothing really happened, she said she was sorry, I didn't really care, it was just coffee, whatever. As I started this entry I realized I wanted to summarize my day yesterday as I did more than normal, so that's what I'm doing. After coffee I saw on instagram my favorite photographer was doing discount portraits that day and for some insane reason I decided I NEEDED to get one, so I dm'ed her. She ghosted me, probably because my message was a little presumptious- I assumed she would be able to shoot Hujar-esque portraits in like the single hour I would still be in the city- and also because I'm a rando. Anyways, I drove to Bushwick hoping she'd get back to me and posted up in the area near Chiangmai Diner because Full Spectrum Photo is there and I wanted to see what the building looked like. I never heard back from the photographer but I was so exhausted at that point and adrenaline-imbalanced that I freaked out internally for the rest of the evening as I drove out to Patchogue for the show. I got there around 6:08, spend 15 minutes finding parking, and finally settled for their LIRR stop. 3 dollars for 12 hours is a good deal I think? Show was incredible, they're like a country-rock-progressive-noisish group, one of my favorite bands these days. Got a lot of excellent video, it was in a record store so I bough some tapes- three indian/raga music tapes because that's a genre that interests me for my noise project- spoke to the cashiers briefly, and was jumpscared when I turned around and a member of the band was standing right behind me. I was too exhausted to say anything cool or clever though. I stayed for the second act, which was a bit less technically accomplished, it was a guitarist, bassist, and glockenspielist whose songs all sounded a bit like an earnest but sloppy cover of Women's Black Rice. I like them though. Afterwards, I drove back all the way to New Haven. I got a black and white cookie at an LI gas station that tasted like plastic and tar. I got to bed at 11PM. I woke up today at 10. I couldn't get out of bed until 1. All I managed to do today is finally email Peter, email Jeanne, and begin to mix my latest field recording. It was of a band rehearsing in the basement of a house I passed on the way to my car, the sound of the band's drums mixed really weirdly with a bus that was idling nearby, I liked the sound but I may scrap it. As the day went on, I felt increasingly destitute and bleak. A person who I follow and look up to on insta put a story up that said something like "Why do you think your take matters if you haven't made anything. It really fucked me up and freaked me out, because I do make stuff but not with enough craft or regularity, and made me realize I need to get serious right away. I found a site to buy diy estrogen but I don't know if I trust it so I'll research that I guess. And now I'm watching Uncut Gems on discord before I go to bed. Starting tomorrow I'm trying something. I'll journal here every day, I'll try to make a little 30-60 second collage film of whatever quality every day or so. And I won't use my phone until I leave my room every morning. This diary will hopefully keep me accountable. Tomorrow I'm going to a show at TV eye that seems pretty stacked, I need to regain my energy. Today it felt like my life was over and I'm a dead person walking, which is always how I feel when I'm tired.